


Unbreakable

by YourEyesHoldTheGalaxy



Series: Unbreakable [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Letters, M/M, Post-Break Up, Sad feelings, addressed to phil, little to no fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 13:22:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5165345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourEyesHoldTheGalaxy/pseuds/YourEyesHoldTheGalaxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan reflects on his relationship with Phil, in the form of a letter/email.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unbreakable

You know, sometimes it doesn’t work out. Sometimes things fall apart, but I guess, I guess I was hoping that we wouldn’t fall apart. I was wrong. We fell apart. You moved on, you probably found someone else, someone who smiles more, doesn’t have insecurities as big as I do. We always said we would hold on. We said we would be okay, because we made it through six, almost seven years, before we broke. I should have known that our story was no different.

We could barely keep our eyes open enough to do our jobs, never mind time for one another. Sure, sometimes we would be on Cloud Nine, but other times it was hell on earth, and those are when I would pray to anyone who would listen, that as long as you were happy I would be. I’d go into our room, and crawl next to you, telling you I was in the wrong and just tired and promising that we were fine, unbreakable. We had our good days, just like everyone. Days where we had to cut out large portions of videos. We would wake up and smile because the world was bearable if we woke up next to one another. You would give me little kisses on the nose, with your morning breathe and all, and I’d still smile. We were in love.

The bad days are harder to remember if I’m honest. I guess the mind does really block out those days, if only my mind would have let me see, maybe I wouldn’t have been so blindsided by our break up. Those days started out fine, with morning kisses and cuddles, but something, big or small, would destroy that. We got into heated fights, ones where things would be thrown and doors would be slammed. But, as an unspoken rule, we never would leave the apartment, never. It was like saying if you leave, you have given up on us. If we needed space to think, we would tell the other, write a note or something, but we never left without a word.

I still remember the way your hand fits in mine, or the feel of your lips on mine. I still feel the warmth of your breathe on my neck, the feel of your arm around my waist, pulling me closer. I remember when tensions were high, all the way back in 2012, I remember avoiding you some days. I look back and think of how stupid that was of me, I should have kept you as close as possible while I had you.

I remember the day we met, our first hug, our first kiss, our first I love you, our first fight, our first Christmas, our first everything. But sadly, I also remember our last hug, our last kiss, our last I love you, our last words to each other, the last day I saw you. I should have fought for you. But I didn’t. I let you walk away. I told you too, God how could I have told you too?

You left me, left me here, surrounded by memories. Memories that suffocate me, I was so happy, we were so happy, we had pillow fights, kissing fights, tickle fights, screaming fights. We had late night kisses and early morning cuddles. We still have some memories I can watch, I mean we did vlog a lot when we had those day in the life videos, not everything was included. I watch them sometimes, seeing us happy hurts, it doesn’t feel real, sometimes I get lost into them, I’ll get up after hours of watching videos and walk to our old room and yank open the door, confused at first when I don’t see you there, but then moments pass, and then I’m on the floor, crying, remembering.

You lie to the camera you know, you tell them we still talk, that we still are best friends. You say you need to do something and I need to do things here, your eyes look a little less brighter, your laugh with a little less life, but maybe I’m just imagining things. I don’t get how you do that.

It feels like forever, but it hasn’t even been a year, hasn’t been a month. I’m tired you know. I’m tired of trying, of lying, I’m tired of feeling like shit. I’m tired of waking up and you not being here. I’m tired of having to cry myself to sleep, I’m tired of the pain inside my chest. I’m tired of being god damn tired. I’m tired of needing you, even though you saved me from myself back in 2009, and I guess that I didn’t realize you were the reason I’m still here. 

I miss our gaming channel that is now on a little “break”, you even posted a video saying that it would be a while until more videos are uploaded. People are probably wondering where the hell I am, but you never address it, we both don’t do live shows.

I miss you. Your eyes, your lips, your laugh, your voice, your hands, I miss you.

I screwed up, Phil, I royally fucked up. I said things I didn’t mean that night, I pushed us too far, and I got you so mad. You walked away, you left, you didn’t say why or where to, you just left. You broke our silent promise. So when you returned later that night, knocking on my door, I should have let you in, even if I would have yelled at you, fought again, but I didn’t, the door stayed shut. I remember being so mad. I thought you had given up on me, and you hadn’t, until I gave you that reason. I avoided you for days, pissed that you had given up on me, to awkward to say anything. To hard-headed to apologize for pushing it too far. I remember the day I came home from my outing to get food. You were waiting on the stairs, a suitcase behind you. I didn’t think about the things I said to you, I didn’t mean them. I was hurt and all you wanted was to leave for a little bit, a month at the most, but my anger got the better. I yelled at you, making your eyes leak with tears, hating myself for doing that to you. I told you to stay gone, and you did. You stayed gone alright.

I’m sorry. Oh God am I sorry. I’m sorry I still love you. I’m sorry for everything, I’m sorry for the promise I couldn’t keep, the one where I said we were unbreakable.

**Author's Note:**

> There is a part two called "We Really Are Unbreakable" which is now available to read


End file.
